Missing your everything
by mormel
Summary: Liara is tired, frustrated and home alone on Illium. The rumoured sightings of Commander Shepard on Omega stir something in her and she decides to act upon her feelings, against her better judgement. Written for the sake of (solo) smut but also to try and get into an asari's head a bit better.


Disclaimer: The Mass Effect universe, Liara T'Soni and Commander Shepard are property of BioWare. I just like to put them into all sorts of situations for fun.

* * *

With a sigh she leaned back in her chair. She had exhausted all her leads, again, and was no closer to finding Feron than she had been a year ago. Every promising clue lead to a dead end sooner or later. But she couldn't just ignore them; her mind found constant reminders of Feron everywhere around her and visions and dreams haunted her by the nights relentlessly. And now, the latest rumours stirred her already restless mind even more. It was said that Commander Shepard had been seen on Omega.

Getting on her feet Liara then turned off the screens. There was nothing more she could do tonight for Feron. Stretching her stiff body she then walked to the window and took a look outside. It was raining again. Lately it had been raining a lot on Illium which was not exactly extraordinary. It was that season again. Her eyes shifting to a distant lightning, too late to catch it before it was gone again, she let her mind wander.

Had Cerberus really succeeded in their overly ambitious objective? She couldn't come up with a reason why the rumours would have suddenly caught wind if there were no facts to back them up. Shepard had been quite publically announced dead. Of course it could have been an impostor only acting as the Commander, but it would had been a little too convenient, considering what Cerberus...

With a deep sigh and a frown Liara cut the thought short. She couldn't let her hopes up. She just couldn't bear it. But she could not bear _not_ to think about the human, either, and closing her eyes only brought images before them, so vivid that she wanted to cry. She could remember Shepard's last smile as if it had been only last week; her genuine mirth when she had had what had become her last meal with her assorted team after Saren's defeat; her last, fleeting touch on her blue skin. Thinking about it made the trail burn on the back of her hand. They had been in Shepard's cabin just before the collector attack, the human had been writing yet another pointless report to be sent to the Council and Liara had tried to reassure her by placing a hand on her shoulder... which the Commander had then touched. She had adopted a habit of taking off her gloves whenever she had entered Shepard's quarters. There was a significant difference in touching the human with or without her gloves, both physical and mental. Or had been, she reminded herself.

Liara knew she could have easily found out the truth about the rumours. The network of operatives she had built over time was wide enough to easily get information about a place such as Omega. But... She feared they were not true. But she also feared they _would_ be true. Goddess, what would she do then? What, if Shepard really was alive? Could she hope to regain what she had lost over two years ago, and did she even have the right? Considering what she had done, she wasn't sure Shepard had any interest in pursuing any kind of a relationship with her again. On one hand she would be glad the Commander was alive again, and on the other even more broken than before, if she would just slip through her fingers. She also wasn't sure how easily she could get over her sorrow and insecurities. Shepard had died once and it was more than likely it would happen again. The image of the Commander's corpse had been forever burned into her brain and thinking about it nauseated her. It had not been her brightest idea to peek into the pod, but she had been desperate.

With an anxious shake of her head she chased the unpleasant imageries away and tried to think of something to distract her restless mind. Something else than Feron, the Shadow Broker or Shepard. She thought maybe listening to the news could bring her something else to think about, so she turned on the news broadcast and sat down on the couch, crossing her legs.

Barely registering what the female voice was talking Liara continued staring at the pouring rain and thunder. She leaned back and rested her hands on her lap, consciously trying to relax her taut shoulder muscles. Eventually warm relaxation crept up her body and her mind didn't race quite so fast. Closing her eyes the asari just sat there, feeling a slight pang of loneliness. Usually she preferred solitude, but there were times when she longed for company. Someone to talk to or just sit with in silence. It didn't really matter. She still hadn't learned to make friends, but then again, she wasn't really interested in it, either. Chasing the elusive Shadow Broker consumed most of her waking hours, anyway.

Her ears picked a word from the newscast and she opened her eyes, her interest piqued.

"...the rate of the infected seems to be steadily decreasing, although there are still people suffering from the plague. It has been speculated that the claimed sightings of the former Council Spectre Shepard and the sudden decline in the plague victim numbers are somehow related. In other news a world-famous turian actor has announced his retirement..."

She let the broadcast fall into a background noise again, thinking. Of course Shepard would help cure the plague that had been killing hundreds of people on Omega, if she was alive and at present. Solving other people's problems seemed to be her purpose in life. Of course it really wasn't, as she had just somehow ended up carrying a massive burden for everyone in the galaxy, but, she was good at it and she genuinely cared about the people she helped. If only she could swoop in and help Liara with her troubles, as well... Liara's cheeks warmed out of embarrassment. She wasn't supposed to be so selfish. Truthfully, just being able to hold Shepard again would have been more than she could have asked for. If only...

With new determination she got up and with a steady pace walked back to the consoles, casting aside her fears. Opening the user interface she then typed a quick message to one of her operatives, with an unsteady finger sending it away. Then, staring blankly at the screen, she just waited. Only a few, although torturously long moments later a familiar chime indicated she had received a message. With growing anxiety she opened the message, and there were no words, only pictures. Mostly blurry and unfocused surveillance camera shots, but they were everything that she needed. In most of the pictures were three people, clearly standing out from the rest of the population on Omega. A human male, clearly hardened in battles over several years. A human female who could only be the Cerberus operative Miranda Lawson; a fact that in itself raised Liara's pulse. And then another woman.

Suddenly weak-legged Liara slumped down on her chair, staring at the pictures. The trademark charcoal black armour with white and red striping on the right arm. Just barely visible insignia on the chest plate, but she knew it read N7. The poised stance when she talked to a batarian shopkeeper. All so familiar to her. And the reddish brown hair she had loved to touch. Shepard was real, she was alive. But still, a lingering doubt loomed in the back of her mind. Cerberus could have just cloned her or made an antic copy of her that looked like her but had nothing that made her Shepard. She could only be sure if she met her in person, but being tied to her position on Illium she could only wait for Shepard to come to her. Assuming she even wanted to. How long had she been active, now? And why hadn't she contacted her? Liara didn't expect Shepard to rush straight to her in expense of her duties, but she could have sent her a message, at least.

Leaning her elbows on the table she buried her face in her hands. Shepard. Before meeting her she had thought she lead a happy life. Not exciting in the traditional sense, but to her it had been; digging up forgotten cultures and unravelling their secrets, and Prothean ones in particular. Others had always considered her somewhat weird because of her unconventional interests, but it hadn't bothered her that much as long as they didn't pick her about it. And in Serrice she had finally been able to connect with like-minded people, leaving her content and filled with childlike enthusiasm.

Then she had been rescued by Shepard and quickly begun to understand the appeal of the more amorous activities. Since then her life had more or less revolved around Shepard, even after the Commander's death. And although a great portion of it had been filled with sorrow and angst, she had realised how much her life before Shepard had lacked in content. Professional competence could only carry you so far, especially as an asari. She had always been a little sceptical when her more experienced peers had talked about the bliss of mental and physical intimacy, but after having been exposed to them first hand her scepticism had quickly faded. The beauty of touching another's thoughts and emotions so deeply had just been... well, mind-blowing.

Not that it had become as a total surprise to her. She had some prior experience in shallow melding with other asari, mostly her mother, and she had been granted brief glimpses of Shepard's mind before. The melds had been superficial and exhausting, yes, but they hadn't left her oblivious to the extraordinary nature of the Commander's mind, and being able to go so much deeper eventually had been blissful. But what really had surprised her was the extent of _physical_ pleasure she had drawn from her intimate relationship with Shepard. It was something she had always considered somewhat shallow and... primitive, in a not-so-good way. Something the other species were likely to engage in due to their lack of the ability to meld, something lesser. And although she had occasionally touched herself in order to pass time or relax her body after a long day during expeditions, she hadn't developed a particular interest in physical sexual pleasure. Not until Shepard.

The human woman had shown her how good it could be. Linking minds while being held and caressed really heightened the sensations more than she had expected, and just thinking about it now made a shiver run through her body. Tentatively she moved one of her hands to the back of her neck, running her fingertips lightly along the ridges. Shepard had quickly figured out it was a particularly sensitive area to an asari, and had not been ashamed to exploit it. And neither had Liara been shy in allowing Shepard to touch her there. Trying to imagine the Commander's fingers in place of her own she then ran them slowly from right under the smallest parts of her crest to the vertebra prominens.

With a sigh she laid her hands to her lap. What, by the Goddess, was she doing? Touching herself and on purpose trying to imagine it was Shepard doing it? She had tried to pleasure herself a few times since the collector attack, but it had always reminded her too much about the Commander and effectively killed the mood. But now, knowing that Shepard was alive, her brain had suddenly turned the situation upside-down and thinking about the human actually aroused her. Specifically thinking about the human touching her. First her body, and then her mind. Still a little hesitant, Liara touched the side of her neck, first imagining Shepard's fingers there and then to be replaced by her lips. She couldn't imitate the slightly moist, soft feeling she still remembered so well, but she could pinch the skin slightly and picture Shepard biting and nibbling her gently like she had done years back.

Closing her eyes Liara replaced the imaginary lips with human fingers again and ran her hand down her front, cupping her breast through the tank top she was wearing. She wore nothing underneath it, so even slight movement stimulated her enough to soon feel the hardened peak against her palm. Thinking about Shepard's soft lips and how they had so many times pressed against hers, rendered her speechless and breathless, she then pinched the nipple between a thumb and an index finger. It was pleasurable and a jolt of electricity shot through her, but it stimulated her mind more because Shepard had used to touch her that way.

Her heart rate and breathing elevated she opened her eyes and got on her feet. Seeking a more comfortable spot in her apartment her eyes fixated on the couch by the window. Playing with the idea that Shepard would visit her here, in her home, she swiftly pulled the top over her head and strolled to the couch dressed in her sweatpants. Imagining the Commander behind her she then ran her palms along her sides and up her abdomen, stopping to cup her breasts and pinch the nipples a little, and then down her front again, eventually pushing down the pants and stepping out of them when they fell down to her ankles.

Liara laid down on the couch on her back and placed a cushion carefully under her neck. It was both to support her head because this wasn't the most practical position in regards to her crest and also to provide pressure to her neck if she wanted that kind of stimulation. Although she preferred light caresses to mere pressure and friction on her neck, but it was a little difficult to do alone in this position. Closing her eyes she then set her imagination free.

If the Commander would be there with her, she would, at this point, straddle Liara's hips. She would bend down to kiss her softly on the lips, a little teasingly at first and then more purposefully, all the while her hands would explore the already familiar forms of her body. Sweeping down her neck and over the collarbone, move her arm up above her head and pin it down by the wrist before softly running her fingertips down the sensitive inside of her arm and the side of her breast. She would cover the breast with her palm and move down to kiss her neck, maybe suck a little. Wedging a thigh between her legs she would slowly back away, peppering her neck with soft kisses and an occasional nibble here and there, until she made her way over the collarbone and started drawing wet, cooling circles on her chest with her tongue. An inward spiral on her breast, eventually enclosing a hardened nipple with her warm mouth.

Liara arched her back and let out a soft moan as she rubbed the sensitive flesh. It wasn't quite like Shepard's mouth, but it would have to do. The throbbing between her legs urged her to go forward and as she slid her palm down her abdomen, she imagined Shepard's hand there. Reaching down between her legs she relived the moments when the Commander had teasingly rubbed her through her underwear. Not quite satisfying and driving her deeper into her passion. But she didn't give in to her desire just yet, as she knew Shepard would keep up with her tantalising actions until Liara was on the verge of begging. Memories of the asari actually having to resort to that surfaced, accompanied with an embarrassed chuckle, but she didn't speed up the movement of her fingers or slip her hand into the underwear.

While touching her nether regions Liara simultaneously ran the fingertips of her other hand over her neck and chest, trying to replace them with the idea of Shepard's lips and tongue. She shivered as she imagined the human's red tresses sweeping over her skin, tickling her in the sweetest way. Then, pressing harder between her legs and feeling the moisture slowly seeping through the fabric Liara imagined her mouth captured by another, revelled in the memory of Shepard nipping her lower lip softly.

By now the asari's breathing had grown quicker and more erratic, and she felt her mind turning a bit hazy. Besides the desire to be touched more, another longing was growing inside her, driving her to seek release. And although she knew better than she cared to admit that she would not get what she truly wanted out of this, she still slipped her hand into her panties and let her mind wander, pressing one finger into the heated slickness. Beginning a steady rubbing movement Liara no longer imagined Shepard's hand in place of her own, but sought every possible memory of the human in her own mind, rather concentrating on them while letting the physical pleasure steadily build up in the background.

Barely registering her own, repressed moans Liara let her mind be engulfed by the ghost of Shepard's thoughts and emotions as she had last experienced them over two years ago. It was a hollow, bitter feeling and offered little satisfaction, but it was still better than nothing. And it was all she had. Opening her mind more she tried to go deeper into the reflection of the human in her mind, a small, irritating voice pointing out how futile and pathetic it was. But she couldn't help herself. She missed Shepard so, so much...

Allowing her body to react to the physical stimuli Liara writhed on the couch, pressing her legs together while her fingers worked between them. Her mind was busy trying to construct as whole an image as possible of Shepard and plunging then into what she was able to piece together. She relived the overwhelming rush of unguarded emotions and the essence of Shepard she had experienced, when she was allowed deep into the human's mind for the first time. Painfully aware of how alone she was in reality the asari desperately clung to the memory, being able to draw enough stimulation from it to keep going.

Feeling a bead of sweat rolling down the back of her thigh, tickling a little, the lonely asari opened her mind as wide as she could, reaching out for something. But it was not there, of course, and feeling herself closing in on the release and then pushing herself over the edge she cried out as her muscles tensed. Out of pleasure, but mostly out of utter frustration and almost pain as her mind feverishly sought another to hold on to, a particularly strong and affectionate sentience she knew and loved so much, but found nothing. The images and memories of Shepard were a far cry, a _travesty_ in comparison to the real thing and Liara almost felt physically sick. She felt like crying, and certainly not satisfied. After the waves of her climax faded and her body relaxed on the couch again, she let out a deep sigh, trying to calm her breathing.

Pulling her hand from between her legs Liara looked at her fingers. They glistened even in the scarce light and felt slippery when she rubbed them against her thumb, but the slickness was only proof of her primitive, bodily arousal and strongly contradicted what she was feeling right then. This was exactly the kind of shallow sexual pleasure she wasn't attracted to. It left her more hollow, with a more demanding longing than what she had started with. It had served its purpose when she still hadn't experienced a true union of two souls and didn't even know what or who to long for.

"Oh, Goddess..." Liara whispered and let her hand fall to her stomach, covering her eyes with the other. This was not a mistake she would repeat.


End file.
